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Opinions and Humor - Jokes 1 (PG)

Look for the Union Label
Never Argue with a Woman
Why aging rock stars finally retire
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy...
You might be a Redneck Pilot if...
The Perfect Man
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
For good times and bad, in sickness & health
The best Irish toast of the night
Free Sex with Fill-Up

  Ass-Vertise with Ali Assman M'Balz Es-Hari

Look for the Union Label

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

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Why aging rock stars finally retire

Can no longer remember the lyrics to "Oo-Oo, Oo-Oo"

Power chords were causing horrible hearing-aid feedback

Tired of illicit drug addiction; ready to start on prescription drug addiction

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Paddy Murphy

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor an' me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little runt, O'Connor?" says Sean. "He couldn't do all that to you, man, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well, now," says Sean. "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in *your* hand?"

"That I did," says Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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You might be a Redneck Pilot if:

--your stall warning horn plays "Dixie."

--your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

--you think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

--you've ever used moonshine as gas.

--your wheel pants have mud flaps.

--those mud flaps sport a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

--you think GPS stands for "Going Perfectly Straight."

--your toothpick keeps poking your boom mike.

--you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

--you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

--you fuel your Cessna from a Mason jar.

--you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

--you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

--there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

--the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly.

--you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper.

--just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

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"The Perfect Man" is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed. ~ Maxine

      Maxine's Advice

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita. ~ Maxine

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!) ~ Maxine

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For good times and bad, in sickness & health...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.  

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
 
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... ......You know what?"

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

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The best Irish toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

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Free Sex with Fill-Up

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:

"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7....sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied," No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

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